More About Me

Mental Health

Many people want to know more about me because I really haven’t gone into much detail about my illness. However, there really isn’t much to tell. I like simple things. I like hanging out with my family and friends. I enjoy good food, drinks and music.  I love playing games, reading (non-fiction, blogs) and dancing (only when it’s really dark and when no one is watching).

I’ve just described myself in detail. There isn’t much to me. Yet, my life wasn’t this simple when I was sick.

I decided to see a psychiatrist for the first time when I was 19. I had experienced symptoms before the age of 19, but I decided to go at 19 because at that point, my symptoms were really out of control.

I was having problems bathing. I wasn’t showering everyday and I had stopped brushing my teeth. I never had a problem with hygiene before, so the fact that I couldn’t do these things was bothering me. I knew I needed help.

I had no idea how sick I was. I was in denial. Even after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I still didn’t believe I was sick.

I figured the psychiatrist didn’t know what she was talking about. I thought, “How could I have an illness, when the doctor can’t even tell me what’s causing it?” I know that logic is twisted now, but at the time, it made perfect sense. I didn’t take any of the medicine I was prescribed. I wasn’t comfortable taking it, because no one could tell me what the medication would be doing in my body.

So I suffered; sometimes, I self-medicated. But most days, I just tried really hard. I thought that if I tried hard enough, I would be okay. But I wasn’t. I ended up having a nervous breakdown within 6 months of my diagnosis.

It was late winter/early spring 1997. I’ll never forget it. I was standing in my grandparents’ yard when my mind snapped. My thoughts poured out of my head like water. I was gone. I remember walking into my grandparents’ house and crashing on the bed.

I slept for hours. I don’t know how long I slept, but it was night when I woke up and I had experienced my breakdown that morning.

I had my worst hallucinations just before and after my nervous breakdown. I remember thinking at the time that spirits were taunting me and trying to drag my soul to hell. I thought I was cursed. I remember trying to figure out what I had done to deserve the punishment I was receiving. I prayed to God constantly. I asked Him for forgiveness and protection.

I remember thinking the spirits had run out of my body and into my radio. My radio was off at the time, but once the spirits entered the radio, it powered on and the spirits spoke through it. They were teasing me, asking me who was I going to call (in the Ghostbuster’s theme song voice). Seriously.

I can talk about it now and finally understand how sick I was and acknowledge that what I was experiencing were symptoms of my illness. Yet, when it was happening to me some 12 or 13 years ago, I didn’t have that insight. 12 years ago, I thought I was cursed and hell-bound.

People shouldn’t have to live like that. I know everyone with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia doesn’t have the same symptoms, but most people with the disorders are suffering, even those who take their medications as prescribed.

I’m grateful to have my life and mind back and I hope that other people will be able to reclaim their lives, as well.

One Response to “More About Me”

  1. admin Says:

    Thanks for your support!