Mental Illness can sneak up on you

Mental Health

I was just talking to someone yesterday about the delusions I used to have. Because I have been symptom free for nearly 6 years now, I sometimes forget the dread, doom and pain that often came with my mental illness.

So I was talking to a friend and he wanted to know what type of delusions I had.

I told him that I had been hearing what I thought were ghosts since I was in the 10th or 11th grade, so I was around 15 or 16 years old. And the only way I could make sense of me hearing ghosts was to say that I was cursed.

I believe I was cursed.

That God hated me.

What other reason could there be? Demons surrounded my bed at night. I must be evil I rationalized.

But I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong. I wasn’t a perfect person, none of us are, but I didn’t go out of my way to be mean to people either.

So I thought maybe my parents, grandparents or ancestors had done something wrong and I was feeling God’s wrath by association.

Because I was hearing ghosts and I thought God hated me, I believed that anytime that it was lighting, I was in danger of being struck, because of the demons that lived in me.

I thought lighting could act as some sort of missile tracking system to kill ghosts.

So imagine the horror I went through every time it was lightning.

And because I was living in Central Florida, a place where there is lighting nearly 6 months out of the year, I was scared a lot.

For some reason, I always felt safe around other people. So as long as someone was home with me, I was safe… I thought God wouldn’t kill me in front of someone else.

But if I were home alone, it was a different story. I would go to the nearest store anytime there was severe lighting. Walgreen, Walmart, CVS, I was there.

And if the storm was coming overnight, I almost always went to Walmart because it was open 24 hours.

It was exhausting.

I was a young woman who spent so much time and energy fighting off bad thoughts and demons.

Mental illness robbed me of so much. I tired and felt completely worthless. I thought there wasn’t anything good about me and wondered why I was born.

I’m thankful that I don’t feel that way anymore.

Today I am free. I free from the depression. The dread. The anxiety. The fear. It’s all gone.

And when I go to Walmart today it’s because I need to buy something, not because I’m running from lighting bolts.

Recovery is possible. Believe.

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